Jean Therapy

Sometimes I just don't feel like getting dressed up to go to work. I think back to when I just used to throw on a t shirt and pair of jeans in my late teens and go outside to work in the sun every day and how great that was. A couple of pairs of shorts, three or four t shirts and some sneakers would last for months in the summer and sometimes on into the fall.

Now, I have a tie and an ironed shirt, clean socks and shoes and a belt. The tie was the last to join the wardrobe and even now I have a difficult time putting one on. Besides, we all know now how germy ties can get.

Back in the days of jeans and t shirts, some things never really seemed to matter. I did'nt have a car so there were no car payments. There were only two keys on my keychain and since I did'nt own a car, one of the keys went to some mystery lock somewhere. We had music cassettes back then and were able to make 'mix tapes' of our favorite music. The hair was longer and I occasionally had to hitch hike to get to work.

Now that I am all grown up with a real job and all, I sometimes miss the free and easy days when I used to wear jeans to work. I have about seven keys on my key ring, two cars, a bank account, car payments, kids braces, mortgage and a 401K. Like most married guys my age we keep relics of our past around to remind us of how things used to be before we took on all of this responsibility. My wife has to put up with a drawer full of old t shirts and some shorts and a cardboard box containing some of my most precious 'stuff'.

My days of traveling the world, living on a shoestring and going without health insurance are over. Sometimes on a Sunday morning as I pull on my jeans to go wash the car or clean out the garage I kind of miss that simple life. Then when my daughters call me to pull them in their sled or help fix their bike or when my wife needs me to run an errand involving something called, 'topsoil' I am glad to have my jeans and am happy to be a husband and father.

The God's of Call

As I write this I am on call this weekend for my small group of physicians. Being 'on call' means that I am to answer my pager and try and help those calling in from any of these five other physicians. 'Call' is an integral part of a doctor's life and profession. There is no hiding from a pager for a doctor's entire career. A pager is like having a thousand dollar bill that you can't leave in the car or wash with the laundry. If a pager is lost then panic sets in and life comes to a grinding halt until it is found. Every doctor takes 'call' seriously.

With a pager comes a mystical aura which doctors refer to as "The God's of Call". This concept was made famous in the classic book, 'The House of God' by Samuel Shem, M.D, Ph.D. The God's of Call dictate every aspect of a doctor's on-call life. Once a doctor is issued a pager, he or she is at the mercy of an all seeing force that moves through the universe and uses physicians beepers as it's metaphysical loudspeaker to channel it's messages to patients through their doctors from the vast sea of human experiences.

The Gods of Call know when a doctor gets a chance to sleep because the pager goes off waking him up. The Gods of Call dictate whether a blood draw or EKG will be successful. The Gods of Call also have telepathic powers so that a doctor will break stride on the way to one part of the hospital because she knows that another patient needs her urgently somewhere else without even being alerted. The sooner a physician acknowledges the awsome power of the Gods of Call the easier their lives will be.

When a physician retires, the Gods of Call move on to other doctors. The healing aura that is beamed through pagers, in a doctors dreams and over the hospital PA system helps to keep patients safe and keep physicians in awe of the demands and responsibilities of their craft.

Zaftig

Even in our own language, I am often surprised at how we have incorporated other expressions and the roots of other languages to form our own descriptions. Take 'zaftig' for example. The definition is detailed below but I find it amusing that, while reading one day, I discovered that zaftig was chosen to describe the body habitus of an Indian health care worker. Curious.

zaf·tig
Pronunciation: ˈzäf-tig,
Function: adjective
Etymology: Yiddish zaftik juicy, succulent, from zaft juice, sap, from Middle High German saf, saft, from Old High German saf.
Date: circa 1936
Definition: of a woman : having a full rounded figure : pleasingly plump
Source: Websters English Dictionary

The Captain Lied

"Everybody knows the boat is leaking,

Everybody knows the Captain lied."

Leonard Cohen

When managers, leaders and supervisors knowingly mislead their staff, the problem they are trying to avoid may retreat but will doubtless resurface later to cause more problems. I was recently watching the classic James Bond film, 'Goldfinger'. Oddjob is the quintissential lackey in that he does whatever he is told even if he knows he is being misled. Oddjob believes his boss so implicitly that this trust eventually leads to his death by electrocution in the bowels of Fort Knox.

Captain Kirk would never lie to Mr. Spock. President Bush would never lie to Dick Cheney. Mick Jagger would never mislead Keith Richards and Bernie Madoff would never make the mistake of lying to....everyone. You see my point.

When leaders mislead and trust is violated we need to advocate for ourselves and be our own watchdogs. We would all do well to remember poor, trusting Oddjob as we watch our 401K plans and possibly our children's future disappear like the setting sun on a bleak African plain.

NASA Splashdown

Looking through a recent issue of National Geographic I was struck by a full page ad pleading for donations for disaster victims in a Third World country. This ad was posted in the middle of a story about the Hubble Telescope and was bracketed by truly amazing pictures of galaxies that are millions of light years away from Earth. Don't get me wrong, I like looking at pretty pictures and dreaming of becoming an astronaut just as much as the next guy but I think we have our priorities just a little backwards.

The space race is over and we won. The John Glenn experiment, (seeing how an older person will handle weightlessness) has been examined and we already know that we can grow certain plants in space so thank God for that minor miracle. We cannot inhabit our own Moon so why would we even try to explore Mars? We can't handle our own waste without turning our planet into a toxic dump so why would we bother to do the same to another planet?

NASA's current fiscal year 2008 budget of $17.318 billion represents about 0.6% of the $2.9 trillion United States Federal budget, 35% of total spending on academic scientific research in the United States, and 269% of the National Science Foundation budget. Source: NASA

Hubble Telescope Cost: 76 million went for the Shuttle servicing mission, the engineering maintenance of the Hubble mission cost about 475 million. Tile inspection and rescue mission capabilities equal 553 to 636 million. Source: NASA

President Obama should form a committee to re task those resources to develop new energy strategies, increase education spending for children to support math and science programs, take care of our elderly population and fund extensive medical research to help improve the lives of the people who need help.

If there are still NASA engineers who need to build rockets and shoot them off into space after all of these social programs are funded and if there is still money left over that no one wants then I say let them at least put some nuclear waste in the rockets so their payload bays can do some good for the rest of us. Exploding Earth's nuclear waste in deep space will look very similar to the images the Hubble telescope transmits now and will probably be even more spectacular!

Lonely Tony, the Hub Cap King

Tony the lonely, misunderstood guinea fowl staked out his home territory in our neighbors driveway and defended his new home with malice and extreme prejudice. He was a tough and spiteful guinea fowl who had probably been driven from his flock and had to move to the wrong side of the tracks. He loved to look at his reflection in the shiny metal tire hub caps of the car in the driveway and seemed to think that this image represented his own personal gang. Tony strutted up and down the driveway day and night watching over his 'gang' whose reflections peered back out at him from their hub cap roosting perches within the car tires of our neighbor's Subaru.

If he were a human, Tony would probably be one of those tough hoods from movies like West Side Story or Grease who smoked cigarettes and combed gel into their hairs to make a duck tail in the back (except on him it would'nt be called a 'duck' tail). Tony was tough like The Fonze and by being fearless, ferocious and a pretty fast runner he generated respect and admiration for guinea fowl everywhere. If he were a human, Tony would love his mother, would pick on his little brother, Joey and get to second base with his girlfriend, Karen every Saturday night at the drive in movies.

Tony loved picking fights with other hub caps and when cars came down our street he would dart out of his driveway and run alongside a car staring down the hub cap of the passing car until he had chased it away. The reflection in the moving hub cap would always appear to be running away from him so Tony always successfully defended his turf and his imaginary gang of buddies back at the Subaru in his home driveway.

One day, Tony was gone. Some say he just had to go a-wanderin' that the old neighborhood just got too small for him. Some folks said he finally fell beneath the wheel of a moving car from a rival driveway. There are those who say he just up and flew away up to that big hub cap heaven in the sky.

I say Tony just got tired of doing all the work, running down car hub caps and defending his gang and went to stake out another neighborhood to take over and find a few chicks.

Get it?......Chicks!

Filswillert Inc.: A Google of One

What if you could create an idea or a company that was so unique, so ridiculously progressive and insightful that even the mighty Google could find no possible way to tag it in with anything now known on planet Earth? I have the perfect name for such a venture; Filswillert. When you Google 'filswillert' you come up with only one Google notation which is listed below and this appears to be a French name of some kind (so it is still available to copyright).

Malgré les échecs de 1848 Beale a d'autres ambitions pour Berlioz: par l'intermédiaire de son fils Willert, qui lui sert souvent d'agent (cf. CG nos. ...www.hberlioz.com/London/BLfriendsf.htm - 203k - Source: Google

So I am here to proudly announce my newest invention/company; 'Filswillert Inc.'. I have yet to register the company with the State and pay the fees, there is no Board formed and the business plan may pop into my head over coffee while I'm driving to work next Thursday. The factory has not been built yet but I do have my personal parking space set up in my mind where my new BMW will go. This idea will revolutionize something. I don't know what but it will revolutionize something...or somebody...or someones pet. Something! Really.

So stay tuned to your local news channel for updates and when you go to bed at night and say your prayers for the children in Africa, the President and the Economy don't forget to meditate for at least 10 seconds on Filswillert. By keeping Filswillert in your thoughts your name will automatically be added to the list of involved stockholders that will help run the company and change the universe. Your good vibes will assure you a dividend check from the Filswillert Fund once we get it on the stock exchange. The Filswillert Diversification Equity Management Fundiplication Solidarity Group (FDEMFSG) will eventually include every carbon based life form on the planet so you might as well get used to the idea and sign up early so you can get in on some of the valuable coupons and get an early start on the Christmas Club. If you have enough miles with your Filswillert Credit Card (from the Filswillert Global First Bank and Trust) then you can rent one of the corporate jets and...charge it.

Filswillert Inc. is absolutely going to change the way everyone thinks about everything so just as soon as I clean out the garage on Saturday and help the kids with their homework I'm going to really get busy and plan to make some phone calls. After all, being the CEO of a global conglomerate is a big responsibility.

Remember our global slogan, 'Filswillert: By the Future, For the Future and With the Future!'.

Filswillert is the registered trademark of The Filswillert Corporation and Filswillert Inc. and may not be reproduced in any form without express written permission from the Filswillert World Headquarters.

The Trojan Donut

One of the aspects of office life that employees see as a perk is the ever present possibility of recieving treats and snacks from salesmen and women who drop by to detail us on their products. Usually in a medical office the representatives are from pharmaceutical companies and these experienced people have a myriad of ways to buttonhole a doctor or nurse practitioner to deliver their bullet presentation about their product. Occasionally, we will be treated to lunch and the rep will have approximately 15 minutes of time to pitch their product line and answer questions before we have to rush off back to work.

I often wonder what the perfect attention-getting strategy would be for a doctors office. For a medication that will only be prescribed by a practitioner then the old stand by's seem to be the best. For products that the whole office might get excited about then lunch and free pens will not really work.

If I was trying to sell something and wanted to spark the imagination of the whole office staff I would choose to drop off a package that looked....different. Offices have a buzz and a culture and this culture is dictated by the employees. If a package came to the office that was filled with measley donuts but had a balloon attached, a couple of scratch tickets at the bottom of the box and a well done ad campaign with a web address and call back information on it then that would get some attention and respect.

A donut is just a donut but launching a box of donuts at a well entrenched target like a medical office that is very used to being bombarded by donuts and bagels all day and deflecting these from the doctor is difficult. Sales people need a nuclear option and in my opinion, balloons, scratch tickets and a good pitch will engage the office staff and allow the message to penetrate deep into the heart of the office to have a chance at becoming part of the daily buzz.

So to all you sales people out there dress those donuts up and give 'em a chance to get your message out there!

Third World Gatorade

Our friend, Toby in India is onto something....something BIG. We are trying to encourage him to write a grant and get funding for research but he is too embarrassed and feels that the academic community would only laugh at him. His big idea could have been great but this blog is the only way you will ever learn about it.

Toby has discovered a new recipe to help cure hunger and dehydration; Fanta orange soda and Pringles potato chips. These ingredients contain calories, salt, sugar, water and....thats it. All you need are vitamins, nutrients, anti oxidants, fruits, vegetables, protein, amino acids and a few minerals and you have the perfect food/beverage combination.

'Third World Gatorade' is going to hit someday soon so buy stock in Pringles potato chips and start stocking up on Fanta. Kids will love it. The village elders will talk about it as they soak their chips in Fanta to smooth out the edges and pre digest the salty goodness. Teenagers can trade the cans of Pringles and swap soda bottles to get some root beer or cola flavors instead of (hungrily) buying RPG's on eBay and listening to state sponsored radio propaganda while riding (thirstily) through the Third World streets late at night in their Buick's.

Contemplating Irony

I have a suspicion that one of life's little tricks is that a few of us get the opportunity to be somebody really spectacular and make it look so easy that the rest of us wonder what is wrong with us that we can't be like them?

American Idol, The Olympics, The PGA Tour and even Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune all make success seem emminently do-able. These are ordinary people! They put their pants on one leg at a time just like the rest of us. If Bill Gates can be a bazillionaire so can I. If Picabo Street can win a gold medal after crashing into a fence at 80mph then so can my sister. If Bill Murray can become a famous comedic actor just be being himself then why not my brother (who is much funnier than Bill)?

When the fortunate few wake up every day and make a fantastic living by making the rest of us look bad to each other and to ourselves then we regular Joe's gravitate toward the anti hero, the underdog and the trusty the one-hit-wonder. We identify with the man who stopped the subway train from jumping the tracks, got the little girl out of the drain pipe and pushed the old lady out of the way of the drunk driver. How about the woman who grabbed the wheel of the school bus just before it crashed, helped the kid in the wheelchair to navigate the ramp and went out of her way to call a sick neighbor. We love these heroes!

The kids I really can't stand are the show off skateboarders, snowboarders and freestyle motocross riders. These people risk serious injury to do aerial stunts disguised as daring acts of bravery. If they really want to show people what great heroes they are they should get off their skateboards, pull up their pants and turn their hats to the front for a change, spend less time getting lip piercings and tattoos of their ex girlfriends name on their necks and stop trying so hard to get on MTV Cribs!

Hey Dude, be a real hero, at least look like you are trying to get a job!

The Lucky Monkey God

Hanuman, the mighty ape that aided Lord Rama in his expedition against evil forces, is one of the most popular idols in the Hindu pantheon. Believed to be an avatar of Lord Shiva, Hanuman is worshiped as a symbol of physical strength, perseverance and devotion. Hanuman's tale in the epic Ramanyana - where he is assigned the responsibility to locate Rama's wife Sita abducted by Ravana, the demon king of Lanka — is known for its astounding ability to inspire and equip a reader with all the ingredients needed to face ordeals and conquer obstructions in the way of the world.

Quoted from: Subhamoy Das

When President Barak Obama was running for election he was sent lucky charms from people all over the country to bring luck to his bid for office. People sent in precious items from their families, gambling chips and small religeous tokens. Time magazine ran a story of the various items sent to Obama and among them was a charm depicting the image of Hanuman. To me, this particular gift is significant because it illustrates just how far his influence and message of unity and prosperity has reached people from even the most diverse cultural and religeous origins. President Obama has a message and a vision that crosses many boundaries and speaks to the hopes of our international community of citizens in the United States.

I am not exactly sure, but it seems doubtful that President Bush ever recieved a lucky Hindu monkey god charm prior to his run off election with Senator Al Gore.